💕Calling in the One: Day 33
The Lover Meditation was very challenging at first. As I was releasing my past lovers and any associated shame, guilt, and/or negative associations, I kept getting intrusive thoughts of hands entering my personal space and invading me. I felt so tortured by this that I just started screaming in my head. After attempting to throw them out of my space, slap them, bite them, pinch and twist the skin on their arms, eventually I had to open my eyes to reset for a minute. I have had an excess of unwanted touch and attention -- sexual and otherwise -- that makes this a touchy thing for me. (No pun intended.) It felt horrible not being able to control even the thoughts of violation. When I closed my eyes again and went back into the visualization, I was relieved that the arms retracted, giving me my space. I could breathe deeply again.
I then went on to visualize my perfect lover -- the man who would commit and devote himself to me. We looked into each other's eyes lovingly, kissed each other, held each other. It felt like home. My whole body could relax and open to him in complete trust. I never once questioned his motives or felt cautious or suspicious. We were completely present to each other, and as Katherine Woodward Thomas instructed, we each welcomed the other home to our respective bodies. It was such a beautiful and profound experience to feel so deeply loved and known. He even had a message for me: "I'm closer than you think", which at the time was comforting. Reading that back it comes off as a little creepy, but it was not in the moment. I remain hopeful that working through and processing the suffering helps bring him closer to me.
What was your experience from this chapter? Comment below!
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Warmest Wishes, Rachael