💕Calling in the One: Day 38
Calling in the One is back today! Had to skip yesterday because I got a terrible migraine from the heat. Maybe it was also my subconscious mind's way of resisting this chapter on Fear. I ended up coming to the conclusion that the fear that I'm most tormented by is the fear of responsibility. There are a million reasons for this, but I fear it more than I fear dying alone, criticism, appearing needy, abandonment, failure, loneliness, and all the other fears that still plague me -- just not as much as the fear of responsibility. This is why I tend to attract men who are unavailable in one way or another. There is a lot of charge around drowning in the expectations, needs, and agenda of someone else. It has a lot to do with the fact that I'm an empath, and at an early age decided to take on the emotional burden of my family -- out of love and a longing to belong. Over the years, I've found myself just taking on a lot of responsibility naturally, whether it was accredited to me or not. And the pressure I've put myself under has been (and still tends to be) extreme and intense AND completely unnecessary. And I'm very aware that my inability to self-soothe efficiently is why situations tend to get out of hand mentally and emotionally. So, I'm in the process of healing this.
Here's what Fear of Responsibility had to say to me: "Rachael, the weight of the world is on your shoulders. You need to do better than others because you know better. The pressure is on. Don't you just want to quit? To give up? One slip up and you prove you are unworthy and undeserving of love or any success. What you want really makes no difference. Your joy is secondary to your obligation of helping others. If you have the tools, you are obligated to improve the lives of others until you are completely used up -- at which point, you become useless. So, you have to keep going and giving, ignoring the screams & cries from inside that it's not what you want. No one asked you." Yeah, I know, My inner voice of fear is pretty cruel. We then went on to write back to the fear in an attempt to self-soothe, which pretty much let me know that everything is okay and the fear is out of balance with current reality. We are to speak to our fear in the same way we just wrote in response to it.
What was your experience doing this chapter? Comment below!
If you'd rather share in private, don't hesitate to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Warmest Wishes, Rachael